My wife is out of town on business tonight. She knows I cross dress (CD), and she does not give me a hard time about it. That being said, she does not prefer it, and she tells me that she is not attracted to Addison (my CD persona).
Tonight she is out of town, so I will definitely take advantage and CD. She is out of town tomorrow night and much of the next night too. So CD, CD, CD. By day, I play by the rules: I do not speed (maybe a little), I do not cheat, lie or steal, and I work hard in my cubicle. If I spend more than 10 minutes talking to someone at the coffee station, I work at least 10 minutes later that day. I pay my bills on time, and I only use swear words when it will actually have comedic effect. I donate to charities that are highly rated on Charity Navigator so my dollars will have the greatest effect. In other words, I’m a good solid honest guy.
That being said, when I get time to myself, I want to dress up as Addison, get a good gin & tonic buzz, and play Grand Theft Auto IV. I am getting GTA V for Xmas and can’t wait as it is modeled on L.A., where I am from.
Tonight I watched a Xmas movie and did a little photo shoot. One of my favorite things to do in my whole life is to dress up and take pictures of myself. It’s not that I even want to show the pictures to anyone else. I just love the way they look (most of them). Such a release from the pressure of the day. I got my camera’s tripod to just the right height and took several shots of me standing up with one leg vertical and the other leg swept back a bit. My arms straight, downward, but swept back at the same angle as my leg (say 20 degrees from vertical). My chin was lifted up in an elegant position.
I should note that my clothing (costume?) is a black skirt coming to a couple inches below the knee, a red sleeveless top, and a black wig that I have braided into pigtails. The wig has bangs, of course. Love bangs, love ’em love’em. Think Wednesday Addams grown up with bangs. In fact, I did idolized her in the Addams Family movies when I was growing up.
I have black 3″ high heels that I bought for just a night like this, but as it turns out, they are 1/2 a size too large, so they clip-clop and fall off my foot unless I scrunch up my toes constantly. It was my first time buying women’s shoes, and I did it online, so I could not try them on. I am too much of a coward (see below for a discussion on cowardice) to try them on in public, so I have to risk it buying online. Damn me for that. I have passed by an opportunity to be my own hero. Nonetheless, the heels are pleasing to look at, but a little difficult to wear. They look good, but annoy me, and the purpose of CD’ing is to be comfy, cozy, and to fall asleep on the living room couch with my arms wrapped around myself and my skirted knees drawn up to my chest wondering what the hell my issue is, just so I can wake up at 4 am, take off the makeup, brush my teeth and get into bed to awake at 6 am and go to work.
What an adventure it is to straddle the divide between being a 100% heterosexual married male and adoring myself in tights and eye shadow! You cute little 6′-1″ thing, you.
Anyway, I am drinking up the time alone to just contemplate my life and wear my precious skirt and cheap wig. I have a two-year-old, and free alone time is a rare commodity. Amen.
On cowardice: There is a spectrum of gutsiness. On one end is what I will call “the coward” though I am not actually judging this person because all positions on this spectrum are totally understandable. The “coward” passionately adores himself while cross-dressing, lives, breathes, thrives on it, and plots to do it whenever possible, but tells no one for his/her entire life. The “brave” enjoys it at least somewhat and boldly goes out in public to show off the new outfit of the opposite gender with a “damn the consequences” attitude. I call myself a coward-near because I am afraid that if I go into Payless and put a women’s shoe on my foot, the implied storyline perceived by strangers upon seeing me in the women’s shoes aisle will no longer be “he is shopping for a gift for his wife” but will become “he is a freak who is trying on women’s shoes in public because he has an insatiable appetite for weirdness that cannot be fulfilled in private.” But, the word “freak” or “appetite” will not be important when I am lying on my deathbed wondering if I enjoyed my life and took every opportunity to be myself and have fun. Although I am a polite person, other peoples’ comfort is not my highest goal. Yet, I still waste time worried about people thinking I am weird. Watch the movie “Defending Your Life.” It relates to folks who do what they like and to folks who live their lives afraid. BTW, it stars Meryl Streep, the greatest living actress, so it shouldn’t be too terribly much work for you to watch.